I spent the most time with her. I woke up with her, worked with her, exercised with her, criticized her.
It was me. And by early summer 2024, I had created a terrible routine. Let me walk you through it:
A day in May 2024
CW: Body image, negative self-talk.
7:30am – arrived to my hostess shift, and I quickly noticed that I forgot to bring my phone charger. It’s totally gonna die, now! You’re so stupid, I thought.
11:00am – realized that I sat a walk-in table at a reserved spot. Way to go. Don’t be shocked when you get fired.
3:15pm – cursed myself under my breath when I had to take more breaks than I was hoping during a workout. You’re so out of shape.
4:15pm – arrived to my second shift and noticed how my shorts don’t really match my shirt like I thought they did this morning. Did you pack in the dark?
10:00pm – arrived home and rushed to the bathroom to take a shower. Took my makeup off and inspected the mirror as I waited for the water to turn warm. God, you look tired. You need to stop staying up so late.
10:02pm – ran my fingers over my acne, internally flinching at the bumps and scabs. You’d be much prettier if you had a skincare routine.
10:07pm – noticed how pale I was, how dark the circles are under my eyes were, how frizzy my hair always seemed to be. So unattractive. No wonder you’re single.
10:12pm – stared at my stomach. Inspected my thighs. Squeezed my arms. And determined that all the other parts of my body that were either too little or too much. I’d say I let myself go, but I wasn’t much to begin with.
10:15pm – bit my bottom lip to feel something that wasn’t emotional. I headed for the shower. It was too hot. It’s always too hot when you crank the dial all the way. When will you ever learn?
I was poisonous
My gaze was sharp, and my thoughts were painful. I knew that it wasn’t a great way to live. I could hear the insecurity and malice in each thought. And even though I rarely voiced the pitiful remarks, it was still costing me dearly.
A realization in June 2024
The days had grown humid, the working hours were long, and I was tired of feeling such negativity throughout my day. One June night — after my normal self-pitying session and evening shower — I stared at the ceiling and thought, all these insecurities have gotta stop.
I didn’t quite know how or why I had finally come to this God-given conclusion, but the elephant was in the room. And it was so loud and heavy in my mind that it was keeping me from getting to sleep.
Okay, Caroline. You don’t like yourself. You don’t like the way you look. So what? What are you going to do about it?
That was a hard question to answer. Because there were many ways to approach this change:
- Minimize the insecurity — work to improve my habits, my body, and my appearance.
- Maximize the kind thoughts — live with my present self while improving in the future.
I could’ve tried to fix my insecurities with routines and workouts — without ever addressing how I talk to myself. I could have thrown myself into skincare routines, calorie deficits, and workouts without considering the way I talk to myself, but I have a feeling that it wouldn’t have worked.
It was around midnight when I realized I needed to improve both aspects of my life — the daily habits and the positive self-talk — in order to truly improve my life. When you don’t offer yourself grace throughout the process, your growth will feel absolutely miserable.
Being kind to yourself 101
I quickly learned that in order to fix a habit — especially with something as fast-paced as your own thoughts — you have to slow things down. Catch yourself when you’re cruel, hold yourself accountable to your goal of being kind, and talk about all versions of you with respect.
Step 1: Put out that fire
I still have times when I catch myself saying something ugly. What do I do when that happens?
I’m going to give a real-life example that happened just the other day:
Caroline, you totally bombed that test. Bet you had the lowest score. You are so stupid, I thought. (Add a few curse words in there to make it more realistic.)
- STOP the thought in its tracks — I forced myself to go back, separate the facts (bombing the test) from the assumptions (having the lowest score or being stupid).
- DROP the unkind words — I thought: I don’t say things like that anymore. Just because you bombed a test doesn’t mean you’re stupid.
- ROLL with the new positive thoughts — I thought: I’m upset I failed that test. But I worked really hard and I don’t have to be good at accounting to still be smart. A bad grade doesn’t make me stupid. In fact, I’m really intelligent.
“Stop, drop, and roll” doesn’t just have to put out those physical fires we were all warned about in grade school. This has kept me from falling down many rabbit holes and spiraling in self-pity.
Step 2: Hold yourself accountable
Keep it up. Make a conscious effort to say kind things to yourself throughout the day.
- Set reminders — I started setting alarms to give myself a compliment.
- Be affectionate — physically give yourself a high five or hug. Smile at yourself in the mirror. What would you do for a friend if they were struggling?
- Set yourself up for compliments — set time aside to do your hair and makeup (or make the choice not do your hair and makeup). Lean into whatever makes you feel good about yourself.
I know. It all sounds stupid. But guess what? It worked for me. I invite you to find little, doable habits that work for you and use them every day. That will get you complimenting yourself on the regular.
Step 3: Talk about all versions of you with respect
Many things changed in my life when I thought kind thoughts. But the biggest thing? The way I communicated with my past, present, and future self. I have made a habit of saying phrases like:
- Past — I was was so creative, interesting, and smart when I was in high school.
- Present — I know there have been mistakes, but I have really handled this internship well.
- Future — I am so excited to someday kick ass in a full-time role and new city. I’ll do great.
Talking to the past
Looking back when you’ve made progress can be hard. I am not the person I was a year ago. I will fully admit that I like who I am more than who I was. But that doesn’t mean I get to speak about my past self with hate.
Instead of: “I was stupid and helpless and worthless and…”
Rephrase to: “I didn’t know what I was doing.”
See what I’m saying? You are still negatively talking to you when you harshly criticize your past self.
Present day
After my revelation, I started practicing. And soon it became easy to offer myself a bit more grace while still pushing myself to a better version of me.
I don’t mean to be cliche when I say that the words you say in your head matter, but they really do. Especially when you are talking about yourself. You can’t grow in soil laced with self-loathing.
Be gritty
It’s okay to be uncomfortable or upset. I would never tell you otherwise. But don’t allow yourself to sit in that pain.
Be gritty and honest when talking to yourself. Work hard to change what is hurting you. But be kind to yourself in the process.
Be graceful
You’re going to have days where you slip into self-criticism. That’s okay. We all have that. Give yourself grace. I have found that changing the way you speak to yourself is a process.
Be better to others
Guess what? When you are kind to yourself, you will notice that it’s easier to be kind to others. Gone are the days of hyper-focusing on others’ faults, Of jumping to conclusions. Of wishing ill-will. Of living competitively…
Still, make a habit of being kind to everyone through thick and thin. Especially yourself.
You need those kind thoughts to propel you, guide you, transform you. You truly need them to lift you up as you push yourself to the next best thing.
You’re the one voice you’ll always hear. Make it one worth listening to.
