Currently…
It’s senior year: the year of saying “yes.” The year that everyone promises will be the best one yet. But truthfully, it’s been overwhelming. The extracurriculars, the long classes, the JOB APPLICATIONS!! All while saying “yes” to every social gathering I can, soaking up all that college is because everyone claims that “you’ll miss it when it’s gone!”
And they’re not wrong. I think I will. I’ll look back on these four years, and my chest will grow tight as I consider the friends I made, the places I got to visit, the experiences I had, and the plethora of good memories I have from good old Iowa City, IA.
But senior year has come with some unexpected challenges (“thorns”) as well as some “roses” that has made it extra special.
Some thorns of senior year
It’s senior year. The year where I feel behind in all capacity. I run on all cylinders, and yet I still can’t seem to figure it all out. To be vulnerable with you, some topics include:
My love life
I take pictures of my best friends and their boyfriends on my digital camera, their faces pressed closely together—holding each other as if they world is about to drop out from under them.
Sometimes, it feels like the floor drops out from under my own two feet, and I am not clutching on anyone to steady myself. Just my digital camera and the photos of my friends with their sweet, loving boyfriends.
Yet, I don’t really know what I want, right now. I say I want a boyfriend. I would love to take someone’s hand in the bar, press my face close to theirs as someone takes our picture… but I also know it’s not realistic.
A thorn of senior year of college is that I don’t know where I’ll be in nine months. I would love to completely and utterly fall in love with some cute, nerdy boy. I would be so honored to be his main obsession, beating any Star Wars or Marvel movie fascination he may have. (Or maybe he loves sports or music or cars or literature or fitness… I don’t know, everyone has their thing.)
But if I get a job in some city, miles and miles away from someone I just started dating… what do I do? I am not afraid of long distance—it’s often part of wanting adventure. However, it also feels a bit unfair to ask someone to consider such a quick turnaround into a long-distance relationship.
I’ve decided that I won’t not fall in love. But I also won’t put pressure on it and force something into my life that just isn’t meant to be, right now. I don’t worry about being alone—there’s nothing wrong with being single. Everyone says:
“Stay single until someone actually compliments your life in a way that makes it better to not be single.”
*sigh*
*eye roll*
Fair, fair…
My professional career
I find myself looking at job applications almost every single day, their due dates looming too close for comfort. I get overwhelmed. I lay in bed, thinking about how horrible it would be if I didn’t find a job somewhere.
I call my parents and tell them all of this. I can hear their worry through my phone, and then—in their own words—they both end up saying something like:
Why on Earth are you stressing yourself out like this? You will find a job. You are competent, smart, and gritty. You have a stacked resume. Everything is going to be okay. Chill out.
Per usual, my parents are right. Even if I struggle to find a job this year, it’s going to be okay.
“Control those controllables,” my dad will frequently remind me, the sounds of his commute home from work filling the background of our calls. Those calls are always incredibly soothing because he is so sure. He tells me I will be fine as if he knows I will be… no matter what.
When I call my mom, she is logical to a point where I can’t argue with her. “Caroline, it’s October,” she will say. “You can’t be worrying about it like this until… the spring. Give yourself that time, give yourself that grace.” And then I take a deep breath, and the tears filling my eyes somehow seem to disappear.
Still, I want a job… I want a job so bad that it hurts.
I won’t even dare to ask for my dream jobs yet. To me, they are too bright and shiny to even wish for. But, as I apply for them, I get almost slap-happy at the thought of having a job that is challenging, exciting, and fun.
After applying for a job the other day, I found myself taking a walk afterwards, and I was so happy. The world felt like my oyster—ready for me to grab. After that, I came to a realization: the more I put myself out there—throw my name into the hat—the more hopeful I get.
My advice? Apply for the job. Hype yourself up. Keep trying until you strike gold.
Some roses of senior year
On the other hand, senior year absolutely rocks. I have leadership positions, I have friends, and I have fun. In fact, these past two months have had so many highs.
I hang out with my friends, our late nights filled with conversations I already treasure. I smile at the inside jokes we’ve already formed as an exec board for my business fraternity. I go to birthday parties, celebrating another trip around the sun.
I had a friend visit—crashing on my old college couch in my old college house—and we cheered louder than I’ve ever cheered at a Hawkeye game in my life (but for different teams, unfortunately). A friendship older than my college life, come to experience it with me for a weekend.
Growing sentimental
I have found myself getting sentimental about my college experience.
I’ve gotten better at appreciating how excited people get about Hawkeye football—even if we can’t score a freakin’ touchdown.
I love how people are always out and about. Iowa City citizens love drinking wine outside downtown restaurants, walking with their babies, partying until 2:00am.
I walk around campus, looking at the buildings. I have forgotten to notice their beauty, and I’ve seen that I have been blessed with a pretty college campus.
Freshman ask me for advice, and I give it. I remind them how lucky they are to be where they’re at right now. (Three years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at that.)
I’ve taken extra moped rides around town—by myself or with others—and always circle my block an extra time.
I used to think back to my freshman self and consider her stupid, but I now just want to give her a hug. Now, I admire her excitement and her courage, and I wish I could tell her to embrace all the changes that are about to come her way.
Experiencing college
I have started to think of college like a vacation. When I take trips, my phone is off, my eyes are wide, and I am ready to learn. I’ve seen beautiful places, marveling at natural and man-made creations, and I seriously can’t imagine what would keep me from enjoying a trip like that.
I’ve started to do the same thing on campus. I walk with my eyes turned towards the pretty buildings. I’ve been trying the new coffee places that I’ve never had time for, and I find a way to appreciate the late-night social events, even as I set my alarm for my early wake-up time in the morning.
Having a busy schedule, lots of work, and feeling overwhelmed has not kept me from appreciating the “lasts” of college. In fact, it’s reminded me that you can still experience all the great things about it… even through the chaos.
As always: be gritty, stay graceful.
